love & courage

• I continued my personal project today.  I didn't write a lot about it last time because I was still processing it in my heart and my mind.  I've decided to sit down  with Ken and Mark, who I met briefly at a party two years ago, and interview them.  I was drawn to them immediately.  I was there to celebrate my friend Vanessa, but when I got home half of my photos were of these two.  There was something about them that I was so attracted to.  I couldn't stop thinking about them, and finally told Vanessa.  She gave me their contact information, but for some reason, I didn't make the call.  It wasn't until a couple months ago, I talked to Vanessa again about them and heard that Ken had been diagnosed with Alzheimers.  I knew then, that not only did I want to photograph them, but I wanted to interview them as well.  Actually, it was less of a want, but more of a need.  Mark contacted me and said they were still into being photographed.  I finally made the call to set something up...totally full of fear and self doubt.  But I told him my heart was telling me that I needed to not only photograph them, but interview them and video tape them.  This is a big leap for me as I've never made more than a three minute film.  I'm still not sure why I know I need to do this, but I know that I do.  They were more than willing.  I couldn't believe my luck.
• I chose to not prepare for the interview.  I wanted our conversation to flow organically.  It did.
• The first day I met them, it felt so comfortable.  I was expecting there to be a certain amount of awkwardness, but that just didn't exist.  Not far into our interview, Ken said "I have Alzheimers...and that is how I will die."   I was amazed, and so grateful, because it opened the conversation to his diagnosis and death. 
• I have never ever been in the presence of so much love, openness, honestly, pain and joy.  I cried on my drive home because it was all so beautiful.  Here are these two men who have already faced so many challenges, boldly looking into their future with acceptance and curiosity.  If only we could all cast aside our fears and accept and grieve and talk and explore the challenges life presents to us. 
• My heart is full.  I need this.  I am grateful for Ken and Mark.  I'm grateful for their decision to be open about their journey through pain and grief and loss.  They are healing something inside me.  They are inspiring me.  I'm thankful.  
• I'm not 100% clear about what this project will become, but I know it is something that's inside me that needs to come out.  I'm a planner and organizer by nature, so letting go of the planning and organization is hard for me, but I know I need to follow my heart on this one.