like it's 1991

• Well my babies, I performed my cleansing ceremony this morning.  Here's the story behind it.  (Disclaimer: This was ALL about ME, and not my parents or my grandpa.  I internalized the fear and shame and made it my own.  I put myself in a box, but I'm ready to bust free.)  One day when I was about two, we were over at my grandparents for dinner.  I threw something from my highchair and my dad asked me to pick it up.  I refused.   My dad would ask me to pick it up, I would refuse, he would spank me with a wooden spoon, and on and on we went...for a long time.  Finally I was exhausted and gave in and picked it up.  My grandpa gifted the wooden spoon to my dad and wrote, "To Jim, for a job well done."  I heard the story told a few times over the years, usually between my dad and grandpa.  They would laugh and enjoy the memory.  I remember feeling surprised that they thought it was funny.  It seemed pretty awful to me.  My dad had the wooden on his dresser for a long time. 
• Yesterday I tried to find it and asked grandpa for it, but he couldn't find it.  Grandma said that she threw it away a long time ago.  I was disappointed.  I wanted it because I wanted to burn it, and let the two year old scared ashamed Missy free.  I found a different wooden spoon in the garage and wrote my grandpa's message on it.  Then on the other side I wrote what I am.
• I started a fire in the gazebo and did some thinking.  When I was done, I invited daddy and auntie Becca to come out with me and burn it.  Lila and George, you came too, although you had zero clue what I was doing out there.  You were just excited I was burning something.
• I had a little cry and lit that sucker on fire.  I also wrote Fear and Shame on a stick and burned it.   
• I wonder why ceremonies are so important.  I wonder why burning something is healing.  
• I know that there are things I've done in the past or am doing now that will cause you hurt as you grow up.  I hope that as you process them and come to realize how my actions affected you, you'll come to me and allow me the opportunity to apologize and understand how it made you feel.  I pray that I'll have the grace to listen and really hear you and then sincerely apologize.  I'm just making up this whole parenting thing as I go along.  I have no idea what I'm doing, and the real kicker is that I have to parent four different ways for four different kids, so I'm going on faith that I'm not messing up too badly.  I really love you guys. I hope as things come up, we'll be able to talk about them in kindness and compassion.
• When grandpa was a kid, his dad disciplined him by tying him to a tree and leaving him for the night.  Apparently my grandma was very tender-hearted and would go out and rescue him as soon as my grandpa was asleep.  When I think of that, I can see that even though what my dad did was harsh, my dad was doing better than his parents, and once again, I'm hoping that I can break the cycle of anger and shame and fear and do a little bit better with you guys.  And then maybe you can do even better with your kids.  Imagine if we could create a family atmosphere of kindness, compassion and acceptance.  It's my greatest hope.   
• After I was finished, James came out and joined us at the fire.  We melted wax and burned various items we found around the gazebo.  I like that kind of stuff.
• Jane and Katie, you always as me why you don't see any kids in town.  We've tried to explain that there's nothing to do, but you weren't convinced.  So this afternoon, daddy and I took you and Val and James into town, gave you five dollars each,  dropped you off in front of the community hall, and told you we'd be back in a couple hours. 
• Daddy and I went to Tim Horton's, got some coffee, then went to 100 Mile Junior High to hang out and pretend it was 1991.  The school is closed now and all boarded up.  We got a blanket, laid it out on the grass, then made out for a while.  It was so fun. I took some photos so you guys can pretend to be grossed out, but I know you're secretly happy that your parents are in love and like each other. 
• Jane and Katie, we picked you up on Birch Avenue need Exeter Sporting Goods.  You were all having a super good time.  You reported that you actually saw four teenagers!  You got free rootbeer at A&W, bought a treat at Tim Horton's, checked out the graffiti and murals around town, had fries, and looked at the Hunting shop (because you've never seen one before!)  You were surprised to see guns and big knives for sale.  You were also amused that everything came in a pink version.